Jumping the gun and finding the fun

I have been pretty quiet here lately. The truth is, there has been a LOT on my mind- stuff about my future career, where I want to live, what concessions I am willing to make (including how much time I am willing to spend away from my husband) and what exactly I want to do. So much is unsure, and I suppose I feel a little uncomfortable talking about things that I am unsure about- though I think for other library school students, this is exactly the kind of thing that is very useful to read about.

The other reason I have not posted about these feelings and thoughts is because it is hard to do so without naming names. Much of what I want in a job depends on where that job is, and that has to do with family, friends, and of course, my husband who is both my family and my best friend. (OK, trying not to sound too mushy, but he really is.) Also, the library community is small. It’s not hard to determine who I am talking about, even if I don’t name names. This has mede me super careful about what I post, especially lately.

So please forgive me if my posts come off sounding a little awkward and vague- it’s where my brain is right now.

I recently withdrew my name from a job that I really, really wanted. I think I had a good chance at getting the position, but it was just too far from home, in a place my husband would have had a hard time relocating. I knew this when I applied, of course. The plan was that I would spend the week in this other place and then come home on the weekends. It sounds OK on paper, and in planning, but when we actually sat down to figure out costs and logistics, it sort of fell apart. There were a lot of little things that, if taken alone, would have been fine, but all together would make the job unmanageable.

Then there was the fact that I am, after all, still in school- still carrying a full coarse load while working full time. Travel would mean cutting 5-6 hours out of my week when I have little time to spare. I can’t help but feel I should have considered all these aspects of the job before I applied, and I feel bad for not doing so. On the other hand, sometimes it takes a face to face confrontation with a possibility before it feels real. I am very grateful to the search committee of the school I applied to. It sounds like they are doing wonderful things and I am disappointed I will not be a part of it. They asked really great questions that really showed they are thinking about many of the same things I am, and it will be hard to come by a job that would allow me the opportunities this one would have.

The whole experience has made me cautious about job applications. For a while now I have been adding more and more to my to do pile- applying for a job seemed like the logical next step. I realize now that I need to take a step back and reassess. Full time work and school is hard- when I add to that presenting and writing and conferences and serving as secretary for the NMRT of the NLA, I’m pretty much filled up to capacity.

At the same time all this was happening, or maybe because of it, I have found myself drifting back to art as a pastime. I sort of stopped making art after I finished my Bachelors in Fine Art. The preparation for the final show and my final classes were overwhelming (I was working near full time then, too). I was constantly making art, and that art was constantly evaluated and critiqued, and it got exhausting. I not only had to create, but I had to think very carefully and pointedly about what I was creating, how to explain it, how to defend it, and how to present it. The thought of making a living at as an artist started to take on an ominous tone- a life full of creating for someone else, and to base my living off that… well, let’s just say I’m glad I found librarianship as another option.

So I’ve been painting again, and it feels good. It’s been a while since I’ve had a hobby completely outside of library stuff. Even the “fun” books I read last summer almost all had to do with some aspect of libraries- technology, management, etc. To get my artwork out there I’ve started a “free artwork” photoset in Flickr- I will occasionally put up small paintings there for free (and I usually announce on Twitter). There is something immensely gratifying about giving things away for free.

I realize that when I push myself too hard, I end up wanting to turn away from the things I am most passionate about, so I am on a quest to regain some balance in my life. I was so sparky last semester- my thoughts seemed to mesh up with what I was learning in class and the blogosphere supported it all. Now my feed reader constantly taunts me with the little “1000+” unread posts signal. I’ve taken a laissez faire approach to that- not gonna weed or do anything, just read when I can. I feel like I’m constantly running to catch up, not sprinting ahead of the pack. I hope that this spring break I can emerge with new enthusiasm and vigor, and more purpose about what I want to do and how I can accomplish it.

Photos: splorp BugMan50 capturingJenn (last one mine)